Temp Pain

The anticipation of the hurt always seems worse then what it really is.

Like when youre climbing a water tower, or climbing a cliff, a ladder ever, The reason you are scared is because if you fall you know you could really injure yourself or die. Mental Precautionary.

Physical pain sucks. a paper cut under your nail, jamming your pinky toe on the bed or hitting the right pressure Point on a blunt object can even bring you down, but what about being a strong independent person and there’s no one around to help when you truly need ir. Thats a whole lotta different pain to endure. Not being able to get out of bed to use the wash room or get water. Thats pain.
When youre surrounded by people during the day, smiling in your face and texting your phone, but are completely alone at night. Its unfortunate that’s the life I chose to walk. Now I lay here, alone, by my previous life choices.

Everyone needs someone sometimes I Guess… but how do you let someone in to be around at these times of night when you’d rather be lonely.
I should have got a stay in nurse for the night.


Judgmental Life

Its easy on social media to make your life seem how you want it to be perceived or to let people judge how your life is. We are all guilty of painting a portrait that isn’t true. When in reality we have a different feeling while posting something we want them to think we are feeling. Does that make sense? If its our own personal Social Media, then why don’t we use it as so? We hide behind our mask everyday in real life and then you cant even go to your own personal outlet and be real. Why?

I have a few people that pop into my mind while I say this, me being guilty of it myself. I recently posted a few pictures online of an event I went to and although I was having a great time, my mind often was wandering to the “what if” category in my brain for most of the night. What if I would have acted differently, what if I would have spoke more calmly, what if I hadn’t jumped the gun on a recent life altering situation. Unless you know me, truly know me, (less than a handful of people), you would never assume by my posts that I am stuck in my brain, A lot. Now I don’t always post super exciting moments or super happy pictures, Im all over the place, but you would NEVER KNOW whats my true feelings are.

Im almost positive that most of us randomly check that one persons social media that we arnt friends with in real life or even on the internet but out of boredom or curiosity, we cant help it. Guilty again. This person would seem to have an amazing, loving, plentiful relationship but in reality I know whats really real. I know about the fights, the tears, the accusations and their personal problems and their secret personal life. Im sure their personal friends don’t even know some of the shit I know. YOU WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO TELL, DUE TO THE WAY THEY WANT YOU TO FEEL, HOW THEY FEEL.

I have a really close friend I see on a daily basis. If you were to judge them by their Social Media life, you’d think they have a very fortunate life with very little hardships, when that is not the case in the slightest. This person doesn’t post very often but when they do its always a very uplifting and positive note to their life or its suggesting they are having and amazing day and they want to share the positivity with anyone reading it. When I see them.. not the case. Their vibe is out of alignment and their problems, wither being sick or having a home issue or even a work issue, is affecting their presence. Most of the time they do not know its coming off in waves.

.. Oh and another one. You would NEVER know they are in a super serious relationship, if you didn’t know them personally, plus THEY ARE ALWAYS COMPLAINING about anything and everything possible. The Lakers, the traffic, The new recruit, the new song that came on the radio, the weather, I mean Everything.. Wedges. This person in, well umm, person, is funny as shit, is always laughing and light hearted. If you were just to add this person as a stranger you would think they were a big negative grump. They want to be seen as a blunt hardass.

Have another close friend who NEVER EVER EVER posts on social media but is ALWAYS on this social media world. Scrolling, reading, and watching everyone else. They are a behind the scenes type of person, they only seldom comment on posts too, they definitely read it though. This person always has something to say about everything in any situation possible. They will probably even read this and will not say anything on it, either. So what kind of internet judgment be placed on this person? or is that what they are preventing?

The list goes on and on. I guess Im judging people on how or why they want to be judged as something else. Alter Egos I suppose



An Ex Shrink

Only certain times do I get all of him. Most of the time I get a little bit here and there, but when in person I get it all. Its usually only a short period of time though. Its then when I become everything to him again. Im his lover, his friend and his shrink. Its something I lost at the end of our relationship. We were once so close and so strong and now we are just two people with a past, that cant seem to let go. We started off unbreakable, I was the one he could Always talk to without judgement and he was very open about everything. It ended suddenly and very Jagged.

Now were back to the  wrestle, play, talk and laugh about things, us, even thought were not together. Its a odd relationship, him and I, for my life once revolved around this man and now, I live my single life whilst he lives his new life with his newer lover. We don’t get much alone time together anymore but when we do, I get to talk to him about his troubled life her with him. Sometimes I feel bad for her, most of the time I don’t. I try to get him to see her point of view and get him to understand her feelings. See, she is the new me. She now lives the life I lived with this man and that includes all the bullshit involved, in the same home he and I shared. She knew about me and now she doesn’t, So I know EXACTLY what she is feeling and thinking, She is me. I guess I’m giving him the advice that he needed when he was with me.

I once felt like his own personal sexual nanny, doing all the tedious chores in his life. After my 7-4 Job I was doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, dry cleaning, getting his kid, getting my kid, homework, playtime, holiday dinner cookings, cleaning up after his mutt, cleaning up after the kids, feeding them and bathing them and running errands on my days off for his business all while he worked till 6 sometimes 8 at night. The weekends became lonely, for he started being gone on those too, leaving me with the children. We lived together in his home but I still had my own home to tend to as well.

It wasnt always like that though, only towards the end and thats exactly what we became, an Ending. Before I left, I prayed for a higher power to show me what the truth really was and I couldn’t hold on anymore for the answers, I had to pack up and carry on with my own life instead of running his household and my own. I left 2 weeks before our anniversary.

We still spoke, placing blame back and forth for a month before I finally got those answers dropped into my lap, in the form of an electronic device linked to an iCloud. Everything came to a head with messages upon messages and pictures and emails from multiple people, male friends and female interests. I was able to keep this electronic device for days, because it was mine, and the messages kept coming in. Everything that I felt was wrong was in my hands, to prove I wasn’t crazy. I only kept it going for a few days, without letting him know, I KNEW. Finally I had to let it go and let us go, so I reset it. This was almost a year ago.

For days I wept, It was already over but I had the proof, finally, as why. I cant tell you exactly why I was crying, I do know that it was of relief and that of pain. Years I made my life about him and now, were nothing. He continued to claim the innocent life until my outburst of knowledge spewed out my mouth like vomit, I KNEW THE TRUTH AND THERE WAS NOTHING HE COULD DO…



to be continued.. ,,, (there is more to this story and please if it captivated you please press like) …