At it again

Misplaced anger is a hell of a thing.
When there’s nobody else to blame just vibe transfer Im guessing is the next best thing.
I can think of a million other things to do; Throw a pity party, punch walls, willow in self loathe… But blaming someone, That my friends is the best way to take out your anger.


What do You want

Its a question that seems so forward, Until you’re asking yourself, then it sounds self loathing.

What do you want?
It is asking too many things with just 4 simple words. In what sense, I would normally find myself asking someone, asking me that, I know what I mean though. I cant beat around the bush with myself. I know why Im asking, Just cant seem to even answer myself.

Its in there, the answers that is, but why cant I make them come out. What do I want? … In what sense.
I don’t want to have to ask. Thats what I want. I don’t want to have to question myself or a situation.

Cake and eat it too?

This SkyKing

He’s taken most of us by storm, Beebo Skyking Russel, with his final moments captured for all to see, flying away into the sunset. The others argue that he’s not this hero title that some have glorified him to be and are bitter that he took his life at his own hands, calling him selfish. This group of people say that he risked many of people’s lives and halted thousands on the ground to act as this selfish suicidal plane hijacker.

It upsets me when I read that headline, “Suicidal” or “Hijacker” even if it is what it is. He left this world with a story to tell and thats how they like to begin it? NO!
In the midst of this mans short-lived adventure he talks about wanting to see the Orcas, asking for their coordinates and asking if the others could see the Olympics. He makes jokes about learning to fly from video games and even plays around about wanting to do stunts in the commercial airline to other pilots thinking this man was a lunatic, when in reality, he was far from it. They assured him he couldn’t and “Kept it all business.”

He calls himself broken and apologizes to his ones closest to him, while talking to a air traffic controller named “Andrew” which is safe to assume was a work friend that knew his humor. It didnt take him very long to get back to the light hearted person his family said he was, hearing the soft, playful tone come back after he said his peace to everyone and stated that he wasnt there to hurt anyone else or even “ruin their day.”

You could also hear in his tone that he realized he took it too far and there was no turning back. I personally think deep down that if the other pilots would have been maybe a little more personable and light like him, the could have convinced him to land. After pulling off a Barrel Roll, are you telling me that the world doesnt think that he could have landed that plane?  No IT WAS THE COLD DEMEANOR ON THE OTHER END THE HEADPHONES TRYING TO TALK HIM OFF THE LEDGE REMINDED HIM OF WHY HE WAS UP THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
The pilots congratulated him on landing his stunt but had no heart behind it, I wish his work friend Andrew would have been able to give him the “Holy Shit Rich you did it man” that Richard deserved before taking his life.
I think that if someone could have reassured him that the world is starting to warm up, he would have possibly taken the time and the backlash that he deserved for his crazy stunt. unfortunately that wasnt the way his story was to end, reminding us that we feel so passionate about him and this day, because he wasnt “mentally ill” .. he was mentally broken and I am sure theres a lot of us that can relate and he may have made us aware.

Not one of us that are captivated by this whole shindig, knew him personally, but we feel that we knew him. He was that one friend of ours, that everyone has, that no matter what they’re going through, would still make you smile or chuckle at the most inopportune time. I hope that his family and close friends are able to feel the closure by listening to his final times. I hope that they find that even though he did something painful right now, they are able to read all the positive things people have to say about a stranger that was able to make us laugh with witty humor and amazing skills.

The man did a stunt in a commercial airline that two jet fighters didnt think could be pulled off. If that isnt a big middle finger to this cold world, then you dont understand what its like to be Mentally Broken.

Judgmental Life

Its easy on social media to make your life seem how you want it to be perceived or to let people judge how your life is. We are all guilty of painting a portrait that isn’t true. When in reality we have a different feeling while posting something we want them to think we are feeling. Does that make sense? If its our own personal Social Media, then why don’t we use it as so? We hide behind our mask everyday in real life and then you cant even go to your own personal outlet and be real. Why?

I have a few people that pop into my mind while I say this, me being guilty of it myself. I recently posted a few pictures online of an event I went to and although I was having a great time, my mind often was wandering to the “what if” category in my brain for most of the night. What if I would have acted differently, what if I would have spoke more calmly, what if I hadn’t jumped the gun on a recent life altering situation. Unless you know me, truly know me, (less than a handful of people), you would never assume by my posts that I am stuck in my brain, A lot. Now I don’t always post super exciting moments or super happy pictures, Im all over the place, but you would NEVER KNOW whats my true feelings are.

Im almost positive that most of us randomly check that one persons social media that we arnt friends with in real life or even on the internet but out of boredom or curiosity, we cant help it. Guilty again. This person would seem to have an amazing, loving, plentiful relationship but in reality I know whats really real. I know about the fights, the tears, the accusations and their personal problems and their secret personal life. Im sure their personal friends don’t even know some of the shit I know. YOU WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO TELL, DUE TO THE WAY THEY WANT YOU TO FEEL, HOW THEY FEEL.

I have a really close friend I see on a daily basis. If you were to judge them by their Social Media life, you’d think they have a very fortunate life with very little hardships, when that is not the case in the slightest. This person doesn’t post very often but when they do its always a very uplifting and positive note to their life or its suggesting they are having and amazing day and they want to share the positivity with anyone reading it. When I see them.. not the case. Their vibe is out of alignment and their problems, wither being sick or having a home issue or even a work issue, is affecting their presence. Most of the time they do not know its coming off in waves.

.. Oh and another one. You would NEVER know they are in a super serious relationship, if you didn’t know them personally, plus THEY ARE ALWAYS COMPLAINING about anything and everything possible. The Lakers, the traffic, The new recruit, the new song that came on the radio, the weather, I mean Everything.. Wedges. This person in, well umm, person, is funny as shit, is always laughing and light hearted. If you were just to add this person as a stranger you would think they were a big negative grump. They want to be seen as a blunt hardass.

Have another close friend who NEVER EVER EVER posts on social media but is ALWAYS on this social media world. Scrolling, reading, and watching everyone else. They are a behind the scenes type of person, they only seldom comment on posts too, they definitely read it though. This person always has something to say about everything in any situation possible. They will probably even read this and will not say anything on it, either. So what kind of internet judgment be placed on this person? or is that what they are preventing?

The list goes on and on. I guess Im judging people on how or why they want to be judged as something else. Alter Egos I suppose



An Ex Shrink

Only certain times do I get all of him. Most of the time I get a little bit here and there, but when in person I get it all. Its usually only a short period of time though. Its then when I become everything to him again. Im his lover, his friend and his shrink. Its something I lost at the end of our relationship. We were once so close and so strong and now we are just two people with a past, that cant seem to let go. We started off unbreakable, I was the one he could Always talk to without judgement and he was very open about everything. It ended suddenly and very Jagged.

Now were back to the  wrestle, play, talk and laugh about things, us, even thought were not together. Its a odd relationship, him and I, for my life once revolved around this man and now, I live my single life whilst he lives his new life with his newer lover. We don’t get much alone time together anymore but when we do, I get to talk to him about his troubled life her with him. Sometimes I feel bad for her, most of the time I don’t. I try to get him to see her point of view and get him to understand her feelings. See, she is the new me. She now lives the life I lived with this man and that includes all the bullshit involved, in the same home he and I shared. She knew about me and now she doesn’t, So I know EXACTLY what she is feeling and thinking, She is me. I guess I’m giving him the advice that he needed when he was with me.

I once felt like his own personal sexual nanny, doing all the tedious chores in his life. After my 7-4 Job I was doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, dry cleaning, getting his kid, getting my kid, homework, playtime, holiday dinner cookings, cleaning up after his mutt, cleaning up after the kids, feeding them and bathing them and running errands on my days off for his business all while he worked till 6 sometimes 8 at night. The weekends became lonely, for he started being gone on those too, leaving me with the children. We lived together in his home but I still had my own home to tend to as well.

It wasnt always like that though, only towards the end and thats exactly what we became, an Ending. Before I left, I prayed for a higher power to show me what the truth really was and I couldn’t hold on anymore for the answers, I had to pack up and carry on with my own life instead of running his household and my own. I left 2 weeks before our anniversary.

We still spoke, placing blame back and forth for a month before I finally got those answers dropped into my lap, in the form of an electronic device linked to an iCloud. Everything came to a head with messages upon messages and pictures and emails from multiple people, male friends and female interests. I was able to keep this electronic device for days, because it was mine, and the messages kept coming in. Everything that I felt was wrong was in my hands, to prove I wasn’t crazy. I only kept it going for a few days, without letting him know, I KNEW. Finally I had to let it go and let us go, so I reset it. This was almost a year ago.

For days I wept, It was already over but I had the proof, finally, as why. I cant tell you exactly why I was crying, I do know that it was of relief and that of pain. Years I made my life about him and now, were nothing. He continued to claim the innocent life until my outburst of knowledge spewed out my mouth like vomit, I KNEW THE TRUTH AND THERE WAS NOTHING HE COULD DO…



to be continued.. ,,, (there is more to this story and please if it captivated you please press like) …


Back There Somewhere

Ive started this writing thing, to let go. To try and find the feelings I suppress. I don’t like politics and people arguing about it.. so thats a no go. I don’t like writing about current events, brings the Icky out in people.. so this is for me, my opinions and strangers. Anyways…

These feelings are hiding deep somewhere, they are where the memories of when MTV being my babysitter 30 years ago, are. (Maybe thats where my odd knowledge of music and years they came out come from.)

I always find myself wondering if other people can remember redundant memories as well, or if I’m just bonkers.

The younger me memories spontaneously come to me.. Ill think about it for days and it brings more memories to me of that time period too, I can’t tell if my mind is making them up or if these super vivid memories are true.

Then there are times that I see something or hear something that floods a memory into my head, that I haven’t thought of before. They are prominent and they are real, some good, some intense. Thankfully nothing stands out that would make this a sorrow story, just a odd one.

I have to call my mother sometimes to ask her of places, people or situations only to make sure my mind isn’t making shit up. She’s grown accustomed to getting these strange phone calls from me in the past few years, the first few freaking her out, for I “shouldn’t remember these things due to the age that they had happened.”

Most of the time my mom just stutters something, saying, she can’t quite remember the time frame but she vaguely remembers the situation…  Must be all the years.. you know .. when MTV was my babysitter, (along with my older step sister and brother).

Thats where my most recent feelings have retreated too, I need them out. So heres this





Naps for Everyone

Daydreams about napping, at the most absurd times, find their way to the front of my brain often. Just going home to close my curtains, turning my fans on high, putting my phone on silent and climbing onto my eggcrate mattress seem to overcome every desire at the most odd moments. I long to wake up with a feeling of being refreshed.

But see that “Rejuvenated” feeling just doesn’t happen for me. For some reason during these naps of mine, everything in the universe is preventing me from hitting that deep sleep I long for. On non trash days, the garbage truck decides it wants to run past my house. Birds feel the need to fly into my sliding glass doors, Alexa seems she’s lonely and will randomly blurt something out from across the room and that cat of mine, God don’t get me started on him tapping with his paw for attention as well.

Its always perfect timing too; just as my mind was finally shutting off. It’s when I don’t remember what my last thought was before I went under and BAM something wakes me again and before I know it, It’s that time, time for me to get up. It’s been a little under two hours that I have fallen asleep 4 different times and I was never able hit that deep “nap stage” that i was so anxious to get. Im now more exhausted before I tried to nap and now it’s on. I’m beyond cranky and ready to demolish and Hulk smash anything that steps in my path.

Im cranky.

I tell Alexa to play my Whitesnake Pandora and all of a sudden she’s deaf. Oh so this talkative electronic asshole, is now deaf, and has nothing to say. I take my first spout of cranky anti-nap time anger out on her and shout, she complies.

Well Greeeaaaattt, now I’m lazy AND cranky… this is shitty. I’m ready to blow shit up.

I just wanted to take a nap, without my weird fucking dreams confusing me into consciousness, without my neighbor honking their horn or my cat knocking something of the counter downstairs, and why the hell was that garbage truck running on a Wendesday!?? Jerk.

Naps are suppose to rejuvenate you, pppfftttt.