sometimes love

Im not suppose to be able to count the days or remember the last time. It should be all the time so I don’t have to remember. Million things to say in a 5 minute time period that just gets lost with exhaustion when I’m counting the days.

I could talk for hours and get lost in company for the rest of my life; always rejected. I want to be mean, sometimes I am, but there’s so much more I want to say that I only let the mean last 1 of the 5 minutes I get in the counted days.

I don’t want him to leave I just wanna be in his presence and lift him up. I want to give him my energy even if Im reciprocating some of his bad, just to make him feel better.

I could spend every waking moment with him, maybe that’s why he left mentally, my love is too much with someone with sometimes love.


Judgmental Life

Its easy on social media to make your life seem how you want it to be perceived or to let people judge how your life is. We are all guilty of painting a portrait that isn’t true. When in reality we have a different feeling while posting something we want them to think we are feeling. Does that make sense? If its our own personal Social Media, then why don’t we use it as so? We hide behind our mask everyday in real life and then you cant even go to your own personal outlet and be real. Why?

I have a few people that pop into my mind while I say this, me being guilty of it myself. I recently posted a few pictures online of an event I went to and although I was having a great time, my mind often was wandering to the “what if” category in my brain for most of the night. What if I would have acted differently, what if I would have spoke more calmly, what if I hadn’t jumped the gun on a recent life altering situation. Unless you know me, truly know me, (less than a handful of people), you would never assume by my posts that I am stuck in my brain, A lot. Now I don’t always post super exciting moments or super happy pictures, Im all over the place, but you would NEVER KNOW¬†whats my true feelings are.

Im almost positive that most of us randomly check that one persons social media that we arnt friends with in real life or even on the internet but out of boredom or curiosity, we cant help it. Guilty again. This person would seem to have an amazing, loving, plentiful relationship but in reality I know whats really real. I know about the fights, the tears, the accusations and their personal problems and their secret personal life. Im sure their personal friends don’t even know some of the shit I know. YOU WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO TELL, DUE TO THE WAY THEY WANT YOU TO FEEL, HOW THEY FEEL.

I have a really close friend I see on a daily basis. If you were to judge them by their Social Media life, you’d think they have a very fortunate life with very little hardships, when that is not the case in the slightest. This person doesn’t post very often but when they do its always a very uplifting and positive note to their life or its suggesting they are having and amazing day and they want to share the positivity with anyone reading it. When I see them.. not the case. Their vibe is out of alignment and their problems, wither being sick or having a home issue or even a work issue, is affecting their presence. Most of the time they do not know its coming off in waves.

.. Oh and another one. You would NEVER know they are in a super serious relationship, if you didn’t know them personally, plus THEY ARE ALWAYS COMPLAINING about anything and everything possible. The Lakers, the traffic, The new recruit, the new song that came on the radio, the weather, I mean Everything.. Wedges. This person in, well umm, person, is funny as shit, is always laughing and light hearted. If you were just to add this person as a stranger you would think they were a big negative grump. They want to be seen as a blunt hardass.

Have another close friend who NEVER EVER EVER posts on social media but is ALWAYS on this social media world. Scrolling, reading, and watching everyone else. They are a behind the scenes type of person, they only seldom comment on posts too, they definitely read it though. This person always has something to say about everything in any situation possible. They will probably even read this and will not say anything on it, either. So what kind of internet judgment be placed on this person? or is that what they are preventing?

The list goes on and on. I guess Im judging people on how or why they want to be judged as something else. Alter Egos I suppose